I haven't updated for a looooong time. I guess I didn't feel like I had anything worth reporting. Now I do. Unfortunately what I am about to post is something that I feel very strongly about. I understand that it is going to make some people very close to me angry, but it must be done. Someone very close to me is sick. This person is what you would call a Love or Romance Addict. His addiction has affected the entire 25 years of my existence. His addiction has destroyed the lives of his wives, his children, other members of his family, his countless jobs, etc. He needs to get help. The first step to treating an addiction is admitting you have a problem. What exactly is a Love/Romance Addict? This is what Dr. Susan Forward says: "These are people who are not addicted to one person, but someone who cannot feel “whole” without some kind of relationship, no matter how bad. She calls one type of relationship addict “Saviors.” These are people who are drawn to people who need fixing—people with massive problems that only the person themselves can fix with professional help."
But the “Savior” believes only they have the power to fix this person’s problems. How romantic! How noble! How reinforcing when it sometimes works! What a losing proposition!
Saviors, say Forward, believe that once they solve their partner’s problems, this person will become the magical, perfect lover. And the Savior will be finally seen as the good, compassionate caretaker whose primary concern is always someone else’s needs.
“If their fixing becomes habitual and their lover becomes dependent upon them, the Savior feels indispensable,” says Forward. “And once they believe their love can’t do without them, they can, for the time being, allay their greatest fear: abandonment. Forward says you may be a Savior if you think you can change your partner even though:
· You find yourself lying to cover up for your partner.
· You are constantly lending money that your partner doesn’t pay back.
· You’re always bailing your partner out of trouble.
· Your partner keeps secrets and lies to you about fidelity, past marriages, criminal activity, or past jobs.
· Your partner is addicted to something harmful to themselves or the family and shows no real signs of stopping.
· You must rely on the courts, the police, trusted friends to help you with your partner’s destructive behavior
· You are preoccupied with getting your partner into any kind of treatment.
· You believe that if the obvious problems disappeared, your relationship would be perfect.
· You take over and try to control things your partner should be doing, e.g. looking up classified ads to find them a job, looking into government benefits, etc. (Note: if your partner is psychotic or disabled and truly unable to do these things, this may not apply.)
· You feel guilty that you’re not doing enough to help your partner, or guilty that your obsession is taking you away from your own life.
Another specialist writes that: Relationship addicts:
Quickly dive into relationships based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals. They do this because they want a relationship, yet fear truly revealing themselves because of their “flaws.” May have developed relationship skills such as listening, being open, and other techniques. They may have gained a great deal of knowledge about what goes into an intimate relationship. Yet their partnerships are less than they could be because they do not bring a fully formed sense of identity into the relationship. Hang on when things are obviously bad because they don’t feel they could survive without the other person. Believe they can “make relationships happen by sheer force of will; they believe they can make others love them through sheer tenacity. In this process they become progressively more controlling, defensive, and blaming…'Burned out' relationship addicts become progressively deadened by their disease, and any spiritual awareness becomes meaningless to them or just too exhausting.” Lie to themselves and others about the sacrifices they make (including value judgments) and even put their children’s well-being below their need for a relationship. Feel that love and suffering go together that coffee and cream. They romanticize the suffering and martyrdom that people do for love that is so popularized in our culture.
Romance Addiction:
According to Schaef, romance addicts are in love with the idea of love (cue in birds, butterflies and flowers here, along with the song Someday My Prince Will Come).
Romance addicts are looking for those highs; that buzz provided by new relationships. They want candlelight dinners and romantic cards; boxes of chocolates and suites reserved at the best hotel in town. In fact, they’re more concerned with the setting than the actual person they’re with.
After the high wears off, these addicts go into a high system of denial. “Romance addicts do not want to know their potential mates. They want to look good with them” says Schaef….”Romance addiction is mood altering…no matter what romance addicts have, it’s never enough…addicts spend more and more time in their illusions and remove themselves further from [their own lives.] It takes more and more to get a fix.
Hopefully this person (who I know is going to read this eventually) will get the help he needs, and stop destroying the lives of those around him, especially his innocent adolescent children, who will forever be scarred by his rediculous actions. | 
